School Update

Well this has been quite the eventful week. Guess what? I survived front loading!!! WOOHOO! It all gets easier from here. My next two check offs? Oral meds and Subcutaneous Injections. I'm excited about subq's because I give myself 2 of them every day!!!

Monday: I went for my vital signs check off and passed it perfectly. All of my findings were well within the narrow range that they allow us (2-4 pts) and the lady doing my check off, Ms. Orlean, is beyond awesome. She's a midwife and I really look up to her. She's quiet but she's got a fantastic personality. I think she's my favorite out of all of them. I feel so at ease with her. During my check off I was a little nervous, but I had a thrill for a second. I felt like a nurse and it felt so natural. I hope I get that feeling more often. When I checked my email later that night I had an email from the coordinator about our clinical group. Our instructor never showed up and quit. So we didn't have a clinical instructor. But Mrs. Read was taking volunteers to do clinicals at Rockdale (the hospital 5 miles from my home and RIGHT next door to my sons daycare). I didn't sleep that night. I was so excited.

Tuesday: I spoke with Mrs. Read and she said she just had a few details to get settled but most likely I'll be at Rockdale. I'm really cautious and try not to think about it but for once I'm happy to be at school. After class I have a mandatory meeting with my Nursing Advisor. She reviews all my stuff (test grades, teacher notes, etc) and says that she's rather impressed. I'm glad she feels that way but I feel like I'm losing my everlasting mind! She explained that Nursing School is unlike any school you have ever experienced and it's VERY demanding and VERY stressful. There's alot riding on your success and they are very difficult on us (Remember! Didn't I tell you it's like bootcamp?!) But she said everything I'm feeling is very normal and actually I'm coping really well with school and it's demands. The only thing I need to work on is stress control. Stress has bad effects on my diabetes, HBP, and ulcer. She wants to see all that get under control. She's a fantastic woman and I'm glad she's my advisor.

Wednesday: I receive word that Rockdale isn't accepting anymore students. BIG let down. I'm back at DeKalb with an instructor from Lawrenceville. See? This has happened so much in school that I KNEW not to get my hopes up. I'm disappointed, but not suprised. Glad I didn't get too excited.

Thursday: I receive emails from my new clinical instructor. She has a reputation as being really cool and funny. That gives me alot of relief. She starts giving us the info everyone else has known about their group this whole time but our group was in the dark on. I'm scared of the unknown and not knowing ANYTHING has made the upcoming clinical experience even scarier. Finally I'm receiving "info" on my fear. I also find out I'm in group 1, which starts next Thursday. I was kinda hoping for group 2 so I wouldn't start so soon. Two of the guys I'm good friends with went to group 2. That sucks. But I found out that one of the girls in my group lives real close to me and her and I will carpool. That'll help so much. I'm not too familiar with that part of Atlanta. The good thing about being in group 1 though is I can face my fear of clinical and find out sooner that it's ok. Nothing to be afraid of. Plus I get it done and over with. We're also done with clinicals 2 weeks sooner (before Thanksgiving).

Friday: I attend clinical orientation. I still haven't met Mrs. Buchholz, my clinical instructor, but I'll meet her on the first day. We didn't actually go to the hospital, we sat in the auditorium at school and received lots of cool info about DeKalb Medical. We're going to be in the Cardiac Telemetry Unit. That sounds like it'll be ALOT of fun (ie interesting).

This Weekend: I'm going out to buy the supplies that I need for clinical (clipboard, pocket notebook, poclet nurses guide, etc) I feel like a kid starting school for the first time and having the honor of buying supplies. I also have to study for another Exam on Tuesday morning. Once again, Nursing tests aren't over what you know, it's "can you pick the best trick answer". Real frustrating. But my last 2 exam grades are 76 & 80... I have to score at least a 75 on all my test to pass Nursing school. So far so good. (I found out that they threw out one of the questions, one I just happened to get wrong, so my grade went from a 78 to an 80.)

Lord thank you for blessing me with the opportunity to become a nurse and help me to remember that this is a BLESSING and to stop whining because it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. Amen.

David - The Songs

I won't get into all of them, but regarding the CD I listened to today one of the songs on that CD was *gasp* Britney Spears "Everytime"

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me
Everytime I try to fly,
I fall Without my wings,
I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly,
I fall Without my wings,
I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face,
you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly,
I fall Without my wings,
I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face,
you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

So many lines in that song relate to my feelings. It hurt so bad but I really would pray that I could move on. I never want his "face to fade away" but he really is "haunting me" in the sense that he's everywhere. I think sometimes how cool it would've been to have him live down here close to me and maybe rekindle a nice relationship. To be close. Now it'll never happen. All because of one girl who was too selfish to value him for who he really was.

The other song I think about it "My Immortal" by Evanescence:

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Like "Everytime" this song reflects how my brother just stays with me. What really gets me is it the lines that say "There's just too much that time cannot erase". Obviouslly time will never take this away.

Damn. I dare someone to say that I'm shallow and unemotional. I think I'm the deepest and most sensitive person alive LOL

That'll be enough of my "grieving" for today. I had to get it all off my chest. Thanks everyone...

My Brother David... RIP

I don't know what my deal is this afternoon. Well, I think I know. I found an old CD of mine in the car with music I burned back after my brother died. When something as insane as my brother dying so tragically happens, I often feel my emotions through music. There's a few songs that I could feel. It's hard to explain. Anyways, on the way home this afternoon I listened to it. It brought back alot of emotions I felt after he died.

Those who know me real well know that he was a few weeks shy of his 24th birthday. He had a beautiful daughter who was 5 years old at the time. From what I understand his long time girlfriend, and the mother of their child, cheated on him that night. He was a paramedic and that night he broke into one of the ambulances and stole an IV kit and vials of Norcuron and Etomidate. Those are two drugs given when you need to paralyze someone and put them to sleep in an emergency when you need to intubate them. But you only have a few minutes to get a tube in them and give them oxygen. They're paralyzed and unable to breathe. He went home, put his daughter to bed, text'd his gf to come get their daughter (apparantly so she'd find him), started an IV and gave himself those drugs. He simply fell asleep, stopped breathing, and died within minutes. Problem was his gf was out doing her thing and didn't get the message. When his daughter woke up the next morning she tried waking her daddy up. When she couldn't she ran to the neighbor (they lived in a duplex). The neighbor came over, realized he was dead, took Lana back to her house and kept her occupied while the EMS arrived. Ironically the very same paramedics he worked with were the same ones who responded to the call. They had to work to bring back their friend and colleague who was beyond gone.

My dad was also a fireman/paramedic and heard over the radio about a suicide at such and such address. He knew that was David's address. Imagine how he must've felt. He rushed over there. My step mother was a nurse at the hospital he was taken to. In fact, I think she worked in the ER at the time. All these people knew my brother and, although they knew without a doubt he was gone (you're brain dead within a few minutes and this was a few hours later) they busted their ass to save him.

My mom was on the phone with David's gf's mother at the time. I think they called her before my mom for some reason. She clicked over to take the call and then clicked back over to my mom and said "Vicki, don't panic but David tried to commit suicide." My mom went hysterical. She actually called 911 because she felt she couldn't drive. Of course, there's nothing that they can do for her so she had to get in the car and drive into town. Ironically on the way she ran into my grandmother and cousin and honked her horn hysterically to get them to pull over. That's when she told them and they all drove to the hospital together.

Shit this is so hard to recall all this but I have to do it. If I don't just get it out it will stay with me and I'll dwell on it. Where's the vodka?

Anyways, they all got there and my mom ran into some of the paramedics. They were all so upset. They told my mom he was dead. She went in the room to see my brother and got hysterical. She totally lost it. So did my dad and step mother. Security actually had to come by because my mom knew his gf had something to do with it and she was threatening to kill his gf.

I was at work in Georgia when I received the call. I have the details in another blog posting. I just went numb all over but once I tried to walk I about passed out. I totally lost it. It took several supervisors and the head of HR to calm me down. They got me in touch with my family in Ohio and called my husband and told him to come get me. When I talked to my dad on the phone I was hoping he'd tell me that David only ATTEMPTED it but he told me David was gone. I think I said something along the lines of "Well tell them they need to go back in there and bring him back." I was so losing it.

When I got home I contacted my Pastor. He talked to me for awhile and told me to come in the next morning for prayer and communion. That night I made reservations for a larger vehicle to rent to take to Ohio. I think I drugged myself to sleep that night. When I woke up the next morning I went to the Church and received prayer and communion. You cannot believe how much that helped. Afterwards we drove up to Ohio. The whole way there I was so scared. I wanted to see my brother but I was scared to. I thought it would be way too hard to.

Needless to say I did it. I cried so hard for so long. He was in a sort of formal fireman's uniform. He looked amazing. It was too unreal. I don't know if he could hear me but I talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for anything in my life that was wrong. My mom and dad, who have been divorced for over 10 years at this point, kept fighting left and right so I was the go-between and had to be the adult of a bunch of children. It really killed me and stressed me out, but in a way it was good because I could focus on something other than just my brother. But boy was it exhausting. I didn't really get to start grieving until I got back to Georgia.
Anyways, I had a hard time at first. I drank alot on the weekends but I gave that up after one particularly rough night. I went out for a drive and had a "talk" with my brother. I was so upset. I went to the liquor store, bought something, went home and got drunk as hell. I felt miserable. I just started crying and Marty asked me what was wrong. I said "I did this so I wouldn't feel anymore pain. Now I'm drunk as hell, but I still hurt." That's when I decided that alcohol wasn't worth anything. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't like drunk on my ass all the time. Just when Marty was home on the weekends I *would* get drunk on my ass after the kids were in bed. It was just my own little drunk and alone world.

Now here I am 2 1/2 years later not doing too bad relatively. I refuse to step one foot in the state of Ohio. I don't want to go anywhere near where we grew up. I guess it's my own avoidance. Before and during all my tests I say a silent prayer and I ask my brother to see me through the tests. I think about him every day. I just really hope he is at rest. That's all I ask for.

Ok, one shot of tequila and I'm ready to lay down and watch Gremlins 2. I feel better now. Thanks everyone for listening :-)